Idiots Anonymous

The Australian Government has declared a state of emergency, as the closure of 61 Starbucks outlets has sent white people across the country into a state of panic.

After the coffee giant announced that it would close a majority of its 84 “under-performing” outlets, white people took to the streets with their MacBooks, circling aimlessly and without purpose like lost puppies without an owner, as their home away from home was set to be cruelly taken from them.

“It’s just not right,” said white snob Chad Ellingsworth. “I have at least three amateur screenplays that I wanted to send to producers by October, but now I can’t finish them because I don’t have anywhere to set up my creative sanctuary.

Aspiring poet Gavin Franks has been missing for a week. If found, please contact Idiots Anonymous.

“This is possibly the greatest tragedy to ever hit mankind, no exaggeration.”

The unfortunate consequence of a projected shortage in Starbucks coffee has seen white people “dumpster diving”: looking through rubbish bins surrounding their local stores to find any remnants of coffee in Starbucks cups, or just to hoard the discarded cups themselves. Several other white people have resorted to the lowly act of buying coffee from competing chains, or worse yet, staying home to make their own, inferior coffee, lacking in the ambiance Starbucks provides with its air conditioning, clean, sleek interior design, and lounge music by some of today’s most disenchanted artists.

The news isn’t all bad, though. Sales of the Feist single “1-2-3-4″ have spiked as a result of the Starbucks closure, with white people noting that if they don’t secure a hard copy of the song, “the magic could well be lost forever”.

In addition, over 650 Starbucks employees will be granted redundancy, which will allow them to look for new jobs, which do not involve direct liaisons with people named “Rainbow Rose Starblossom”.

“I’m really looking forward to a new career,” said 17 year old Starbucks worker Jenny Taupin. “There was something so unsettling about seeing full-grown men wearing women’s jeans and military caps, saying ‘ciao’ instead of ‘goodbye’ while swinging their tote bag over their shoulder.

“I kinda got used to it, but I never did get used to hearing that KT Tunstall song. Usually when I tell my friends that bit they just nod and give me a hug.”

Anyone concerned about the whereabouts of their relatives should contact the emergency hotline with their last known location, so that they can be brought home safely and nursed to good health with a steady diet of reality and English.