Idiots Anonymous

Tim Leonard, propreitor of the Old Bar Cellars near Taree, has found a novel new way to attract customers to his liquor store: by providing an authentic throwback to the 1930s.

Mr. Leonard achieved this in February, when wrote a memo to his staff, detailing new rules pertaining to Aboriginal customers He stated that: “due to the fact that we have now had three known incidents of shop lifting involving the coloured girl plus friends who has come in with two or three others coloureds [sic]“.

The Old Bar Cellar and Mr. Leonard, shortly before their transmogrification.

Upon the declaration of these new rules, spilling over with archaic terminology and blatant racial discrimination, the store, as if by magic, cast aside the shackles of flourescent lighting, electronic cash registers, security cameras and motion-sensor doors, and turned into an old-style saloon, complete with the wisecracking but all-knowing bartender in Mr. Leonard, perpetually cleaning the same mug with a handy spitshine rag.

“G’day, cobber! Been working the trenches, I see. Well, why not wet your whistle with one of our fine lagers? We’ve got some new aluminium soft-top cans in!” said Mr. Leonard, adjusting his dusty vest.

“We had some of ‘em wander in the other day. Had to shoo ‘em away with the old chimney brush, I did. Terrible mess. Why not stay and try some of our new malt liquor? It’ll put the hair on your chest, or your thripence back!”

There has, however, been outcry over the new creative direction of the Old Bar Cellars. Some have branded it as racist: borrowing tired and outdated nomenclature from a time far better off forgotten. Mr. Leonard, however, is far more optimistic — and diplomatic — about the matter.

He stated that his reason for the term “coloureds” was that the shoplifted in question was “…not a full blood”, noting that a far better term would probably have been “…chocolate, or something.” Mr. Leonard went on to concede that had he anticipated the outcry over such a seemingly innocuous word, he would have “gone the whole hog and just called them niggers, monkeys, or darkies” which, to his surprise, jammed the foot already in his mouth so far down his throat, he gave his colon toe-jam.

It is unknown as to whether Mr. Leonard’s new saloon will lead to an increase in profits, but he has already attracted a significant celebrity endorsement: former Prime Minister John Howard has become a barfly at the Cellars, noting that Australia “had its chance to come back here, but [they] all said no”.