Idiots Anonymous

United States presidential candidate Barack Obama has come under fire in recent times for espousing what has been referred to as holier-than-thou nonsense from atop a high horse named “optimism”. However, the most recent criticism leveled at the Democratic candidate is that he’s too thin to be a genuine representative of his constituency.

“He’s just too skinny,” said Republican press agent Jimbob McCallaway. “The American people, overwhelmingly corpulent and festering in their own juices as they are, just can’t relate to a man who eats well and exercises regularly. That sort of namby-pamby behaviour smacks of elitism, frankly.

“He needs to put on a few pounds and stain his shirt with BBQ sauce. Then we’ll talk. Until then, you won’t convince me he’s the real deal at all.”

Okay, so maybe this wasn't the best picture to put in an article about a black person. Sorry about that.

With American voters noting that they “won’t vote for a beanpole”, it has left Democratic strategists wondering: exactly what can they do to make their man electable?

With Republican candidate John McCain largely incapable of any sort of intense exercise due to injuries sustained as a prisoner of war, his simulated immobility, deathly pallor and perpetual look of complete and utter gormlessness has endeared him to the US’s gullible overweight population, and secured valuable votes amongst single issue voters, for which relatability is the number one issue. With the Iraq war still in full swing, an economic crisis threatening to cripple the country’s economy, and an international bad behaviour record a mile long, such a shallow, pointless stance is not only understandable, but commendable.

“I won’t vote for someone who ain’t like me,” said Alabama pig farmer Jackbob Bobjack-Hatflap. “Fella’s got himself dark skin and a flat stomach. That ain’t my kinda guy. I wanna share a beer with my president, not a frank exchange of ideology. Actually, scratch that, I ain’t sharin’ a beer with nobody!”

With 2004 Democratic candidate John Kerry being blown away in the polls on the grounds of being “too intellectual to be President”, particularly so when placed next to George W. Bush, the single least intellectual president since the retarded kid your 2nd grade class declared Class President out of sheer pity, the Obama camp are in damage control, offering their man McDonalds and Kentucky Fried Chicken at every spare opportunity, requesting that he stop playing basketball, and tune in to this week’s episode of The Price is Right, wherein Drew Carey gives away a brand new motor home, in order to bring his intellectual and physical standing back to what is considered acceptable.

“We need to construct a new image for Barack,” said Democratic press agent Jennifer Velasquez. “He’s too fit, and too smart. Some would even say he’s too optimistic. We need to Americanise him. We need to ensure that when America goes to the polls, the only thing that stands to hold us back from the presidency is that he’s black. Unfortunately we can’t change that at such short notice, but we’re hoping to at least schedule some rudimentary skin bleaching by October. We feel that we could swing Kansas with that announcement.

“There’s a genuine fear that Americans could look back upon this time and remember what Barack is really like, but we’re fairly sure that the same demographic we’re trying to appeal to has such a short attention span that they’ll have forgotten everything there is to know by the time Gladiators comes on. See? The Republican Party has done a few good things over the years.”

Mr. Obama is expected to make a surprise appearance at Burger King in the coming week, where he intends to drink an entire vat of Coca Cola syrup in the hopes of contracting type-two diabetes.