Idiots Anonymous

In a shock move by the Beijing Olympic Committee, China has green-lighted the inclusion of a brand new Olympic sport just a week out from the opening ceremony of the Beijing Games.

The sport of professional suppression will take place in Beijing’s media department, over the two week span of the Games. The aim of the sport is three pronged: to intercept incoming information, to suppress outgoing information, and persecute those that would seek to publish it.

Pretending this man doesn't exist is worth 30 points.

A panel of judges award points based on the competitors’ technique and efficiency. Bonus points are awarded if the persecuted are subsequently executed, though a time and distance penalty does apply for how far they can run from their hole in the wall before being gunned down. Points are also deducted for every piece of factual information that slips through the competitors’ grasp: doubly so if the information released is about China. For every article mentioning Tibet (known as Hot Articles) that is suppressed, ten bonus points are awarded, however if one of them leaks to the public, opponents are given permission to execute the competitor responsible.

“It’s a little sudden, yes,” said Australian Olympic coach Ted Avery. “We’ve pretty much finalised our Olympic team across the board, so to have to recruit a few more at such short notice is a little alarming. We’re looking at perhaps recruiting Helen Coonan, given her attempt to create an internet ‘black list’ in 2007.

“We’ve also sent out a general inquiry to the Daily Telegraph, not so much for their powers of suppression, but their powers of mis-information would surely throw some red herrings into the competition. How can one suppress facts that simply do not exist?”

There has been criticism regarding the new sport, with international observers noting that it may well be a grab for medals by China, who is hoping to knock the United States off their pedestal as the #1 Olympic nation. Given that the only competitors currently entered are Chinese, it is likely that all three medals could well go to the home nation.

“It could well play into our hands if there’s a television section,” said Channel Ten spokesperson, Annie Zheng. “Our former Big Brother censors are out of a job, and are really interested in this new sport. Ever since we turfed out those vulgar bogans we’ve really had no reason to use the bleep button. Their technique is impeccable: they even mastered the art of censoring the word ‘midget’. That requires surgeon-like precision.”

The 2008 Olympic Games officially commence in five days, except in Tibet, where according to regional news networks, with the help of their suppresionists, they commence in never, so go back to bed.