Idiots Anonymous

Troubled pop star Amy Winehouse has recently stated her desire to have babies: at least five, according to reports. However, her newly publicised maternal instinct may well just be a misinterpretation of the term “crack baby”.

Geri Lambert, a close friend of Winehouse, noted that the singer first realised her desire for kids during a hazy night in.

“Amy had just injected heroin directly into her eyeball and was fiddling around on Wikipedia,” said Lambert, a 24 year old waitress from London. “She found an article on ‘crack babies’ and went into a fit of hysterics. She thought that the idea of a baby made of solid crack was just the most amazing thing.”

Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil: drunk on love, and lots of cheap booze

Unfortunately for Ms. Winehouse, a crack baby is not a baby comprised entirely of crack cocaine, but rather a baby whose cognitive abilities are severely compromised as a result of extensive drug use during pregnancy. However, despite various friends and family members trying to relay this information to the singer, she refuses to listen.

“She said that it can’t be that hard to have a baby, and that once it’s out she could smoke half of it and sell the rest — and that doing so would be worth ‘more than a few quid’,” said Ms. Lambert. “Then she found out you can have more than one baby, and rang up [husband] Blake right away, to set up a conjugal visit. They want to start a crack family.

“It’s a little worrying, but she’ll make a great mother, so long as she doesn’t try to smoke her kid. She’s so composed and positive all the time. She’d make a fantastic role-model. Blake will be a great daddy too, on the condition that he’s out of the slammer by the time the little bugger pops out.”

Given that he is serving a 27 month prison sentence, it is unclear as to whether Blake Fielder-Civil, Winehouse’s husband, is receptive to the idea. There are, however, fears that if the idea is presented to him in the same manner that it was his wife, that they will pre-emptively set up a drug ring and try to partition off their unborn children.

The announcement also roused an unexpected show of support. Due to his intimate understanding of the evils of drugs, fellow musician Bobby Brown has offered to take Winehouse under his wing, and ensure that her path to sobriety — and motherhood — is as safe and well guarded as possible inside his home. His only expectation is, according to his publicist, “a 25% cut when that shit drops”.