Idiots Anonymous

Arthur and Mona Erikson know a thing or two about being overweight. At a combined total of 234 kilograms, they are both considered morbidly obese. But try telling that to their 32 year old son Erik, who adds an absurd 164 kilograms to that total. Nintendo tried with their new “Wii-Fit” program, but now Arthur and Mona are hitting back at the claims.

Erik Erikson in happier times.

Wii-Fit uses a Body Mass Index rating to roughly determine the overall fitness of its user, despite (or perhaps in spite of) the inherent irony of a video game being used to determine anything other than twitch reflexes and Cheeto stain gradients. With a BMI of 47.9, the Wii-Fit program calculated that Erik was past the red “morbidly obese” zone and in the glutinous black “coffin with legs” zone, seconds before the accompanying Balance Board folded in on itself and became a crumpled mass of white plastic as Erik shuffled angrily, accusing Nintendo of being “fattist”.

“It’s insulting, that’s what it is.” said Mrs. Erikson. “Our son’s not fat: he’s just growing into his body. It’s all about variables!

“It was one thing to have the television yell ‘mother of god!’ repeatedly at my dear Erik, but it was another thing entirely to have his little platform collapse. How is he supposed to make Mario run around now?”

Nintendo has offered to replace the Eriksons’ Wii-Fit Balance Board free of charge, however they were met with a firm “no”, on the basis that his flagging self-esteem has already sunk to all-time lows, and one more seemingly arbitrary loss, entirely beyond his control could well drive him to self-harm. This is a phenomenon known as “Sonic The Hedgehog Syndrome”.

Erik himself was understandably devastated by the loss of his Wii-Fit Balance Board: so much so that he declared a 100-day vigil in front of his Wii — one day for every kilogram he hoped to lose had Nintendo not been so “picky” — playing nothing but Super Smash Bros. Brawl, reading internet forums, and eating his emotions.