Idiots Anonymous

Though the Rudd Government’s emissions trading scheme, which will offer incentives for eco-friendly solutions and allow for high polluters to offset their own emissions at a relative cost has environmental groups mildly pleased, it has struck a chord with several interest groups: none moreso than that of the overcompensating douche.

Mr. Cunningham's personal transportation, next to a small bus.

Toowoomba’s Peter Cunningham, a 32 year old douche, has aired his grievances over the new scheme which could put the squeeze on the hyper-masculine posturing which has defined him as a person for the majority of his life. An avid consumer of excessively large steaks, a big fan of petrol-guzzling 4WDs and the owner of several contraptions that serve only to vomit smog into the atmosphere solely for the purpose of smug self-satisfaction, he fears that the new scheme may cause his ego to shrink to the point where he can no longer function as an effective alpha-male.

“It’s a fuckin’ rort, aye!” said Mr. Cunningham. “I commute to work every day in me imported Chevy Pick-Up — diesel, by the way: fuckin’ check it — and you know what the shielas think when I’m out on the road? ‘That bloke’s dick must be — like — it must be pretty substantial!’ Imagine if that gets taken away from me. I couldn’t even fit a carcass in the back of one of those Jap toy cars.

“The things I own and do send a message out to the world. It says ‘that guy’s dick is huge‘. And y’know, that’s important for a guy like meself. I mean, imagine if you’re walkin’ around, drivin’ your little zip zap electric fag-mobile, drinkin’ herbal tea and pickin’ up after yourself, and someone says ‘hey fag! Your cock’s so small, a hummingbird’d ask you if it was in yet!’? I mean, y’know. I think the facts present themselves, aye.”

Consumer psychologist Penelope Yeung is sympathetic to the plight of the douche, noting that the emissions trading scheme would surely put a dampener on their heavy-on-the-machismo lifestyle.

“It’s definitely an issue,” said Ms. Yeung. “People like Mr. Cunningham have incredible insecurities about their penis size, and without commodities to bolster their flagging self-worth, they may well become the nerds they beat up in high school to ensure their social standing. It’s a significant social issue, no doubt.”

The Overcompensating Douche Collective, a branch of the Liberal Party, is expected to lobby against the incoming scheme, on the grounds of “gross emasculation”.