Idiots Anonymous

Single males across the country are rubbing their hands together in anticipation, as the new weapon in their war against bachelor-dom is ready to be revealed: Four’N Twenty’s Magic Salad Plate.

Rightfully touted as “miracle of modern science that completely eclipses such wonders as the telephone, the Polaroid camera and even the iPod”, it is a plate with an in-built inedible salad: hardened ceramic lettuce, tomato, cucumber a smattering of onion, and garnished with an undeniably toxic glaze adding an inexplicable amount of weight to an otherwise boring plate, and making over half the plate entirely unusable.

“No question: the advent of ceramics around 31,000 years ago has lead us to this day,” said Four’N Twenty spokesperson and daft marketeer, Jake Brabus. “This is the single most important invention of our time — in fact, it is the most important invention ever.

The average Australian male’s unfamiliarity with the colour green will prove to be a considerable obstacle for the Magic Salad Plate.

“Extensive research carried out by the Four’N Twenty R&D Department noted that there is a direct correlation between having salad on one’s plate and ovaries exploding. We are of the belief that females are so shallow and gullible that the very appearance of salad will cause them to spread their legs and moan with delight.”

With testimonials from a bricklayer, carpenter, forklift driver and machinist, the Magic Salad Plate caters to a very particular sector within the single male community: the classless goofball who thinks a drunken day out at the footy is enough of a date to constitute “a good root” at the end of the evening. According to them, the Magic Salad Plate is just what they need to get over the line and cast aside their copies of Ralph Magazine for a night of torrid thrusting at the nearest available hole while screaming nasal obscenities, prefaced with: “Aww, yeah!”

When given the idea of simply serving meals (in the case of the target audience, a meat pie) with actual, edible salad, Mr. Brabus balked, suggesting that a lot of Australian males are in fact allergic to vegetables, and cannot eat anything vaguely leafy, lest they catch “poofter-itis” and develop a sudden aversion to offal and arteries enclosed in pastry. According to Mr. Brabus, such an aversion is patently un-Australian and as such, can and will never be promoted in any of their products.

Though walking around with the Magic Salad Plate may well promote a society of men looking like compulsive over-eaters without a place to sit, Four’N Twenty insist that their hallmark product is here to stay. And what’s more — with the Magic Salad Plate already reserving its place in the annuls of Australian history, one thing is for sure: Australian men are surely set to become trailblazers in the fields of classlessness and malnutrition.