Idiots Anonymous

Dreamworld’s Big Brother house — the home of Channel 10’s flagship reality show of the same name — will close its doors for the last time following the completion of its current run, after it was confirmed that its services would no longer be required. In a move that has shocked those still acquainted with their sanity across the country, its dedicated fanbase, comprised largely of listless, drooling homebodies will be released from the relative safety of their metre-wide habitat cubes to re-join society after eight years.

The fans, often sporting bunny ears, bleached faux-hawks, lengths of twine loosely fashioned into mock-microphones and the glazed stare of brain-death have served as the glue holding the series together since its inception in 2001: with SMS votes, phonecalls and the life-sustaining power of the human soul all being extracted in a steady flow of revenue and black magick.

A Big Brother fan being removed from his luxury storage cube.

“We’re concerned for the welfare of these people, certainly,” says Channel 10 representative Samantha Chambers. “They’ve been conditioned to subsist solely on a diet of Kentucky Fried Chicken and Big Brother, entering hibernation for about 40 weeks after each season.

It’ll be interesting to see how they operate in an environment full of different fast food options, new, sometimes fictional television shows, and a regular time schedule wherein they do not operate indirectly under the instruction of Big Brother. We hope they can adapt quickly.”

Common fears shared by Big Brother’s production crew is that these people will exhibit signs of withdrawal upon re-entering the real world, expressing them in such ways as nominating their pets for eviction on the basis that innate animal communication is an indicator of ‘flying under the radar’, spontaneously posturing in front of any available reflective surface, and confessing the day’s banal activities to a disembodied voice which now exists solely in their unconscious mind.

The show itself should fare better, with its place in the annuls of Australian televisual history as the show that captured the imaginations and phone bills of a generation no doubt already sealed. However, despite this, the producers of the show are still intent on figuring out where it all went wrong.

“We sent in the requisite bogans alongside a midget, a grandmother, and a shrill virgin to stretch the Victorian freak show mentality to its absolute limits, our star housemate was a vegan that campaigns ferociously against our major sponsor, we then sent in the one of most loathsome modern day ‘personalities’ in Corey Worthington and we got the only person more hated than him to host the series in Kyle Sandilands,” said co-producer Brett Nielsen. “Frankly, we thought it was a sure fire formula for success. Its failure is not a reflection upon our own complacency, but more a reflection upon the viewing public’s lack of taste. Shame on you, Australia.”

Australian citizens have been advised that if they do spot a Big Brother fan that has been seemingly incapacitated by an overwhelming sense of loss, they should send them to the nearest medical facility to anesthetise them for their own good.