Idiots Anonymous

In the first show of cross-channel unity since the triumvirate of free-to-air crown jewels Eddie McGuire, Andrew O’Keefe and Rove McManus created a black hole of entertainment at the 2005 TV Week Logie Awards, the respective news bureaus of each network have unanimously voted long-time ABC reporter Andrew Lloyd the “worst human being alive today”.

Trumping the likes of Kim Jong-Il, Robert Mugabe, Billy Ray Cyrus and Osama Bin Laden, Lloyd was far and away the winner, polling an amazing 98% of the votes in a survey that spanned the entirety of the free-to-air hierarchy, on the basis that: “it makes us look really good”.

Peter Lloyd: picture courtesy of Channel 9

Mr. Lloyd faces 20 years in jail and 15 lashes of the cane if convicted of drug trafficking, after being found to be in possession of the party drug ice — to which he also tested positive for — a smoking pipe and a handful of syringes. He was later found to have another stash of the drug, as well as utensils stained with remnants of the drug ketamine.

As a consequence of the award, the three networks have jointly agreed to run stories detailing Mr. Lloyd’s adventures in baby killing, his underground prostitution network, his enthusiastic support for Bill Henson, and his undying love for SBS — all of which have been proven in the past to draw the ire of viewers. They have also agreed to supplant actual news stories for the next several weeks in order to do so.

“We fail to see how the ABC can recover from such a damning situation,” said Channel 9 news director Dirk Shillington. “These cases are like mud: they stick to you, unless we run a human interest story about you on 60 Minutes — but we save that kind of treatment for our own employees.”

“The ABC’s in deep trouble,” said Channel 7 newsroom editor Kathy Lewis. “Usually, when we come across a repentant television personality, we put them on Dancing With The Stars so that they can be voted off in the first week or two. Unfortunately, our next thirteen seasons have already been booked, so unless he’d like to become a Gladiator, I’m just not sure what we can do with him. Sorry, Andrew!”

“We’d put him in the Big Brother house, but… you know.” said Channel 10 creative director Francisca Geller.

The repercussions have been apparent for the ABC in general, with several ill-dressed bohemians invading the set of new panel show “Q&A”, asking questions such as: “Do you party?” and “Have you visited space today?” — to which host Tony Jones replied with an all-knowing smirk, an acidic reply and the explosion of a golden aura from his very being, which calmed all within the room, and caused rose petals to gently fall from the heavens.

Despite Mr. Lloyd’s predicament, there may well be a silver lining for him, with Channel 7 today announcing that Anna Coren may be moving on to pursue a career in journalism, leaving the anchor’s seat empty. According to Channel 7, with an appropriate amount of methamphetamines, he could match the cognitive understanding of both Coren and previous host Naomi Robson. Mr. Lloyd is expected to receive a call from Channel 7 executives to discuss his future, just as soon as that last bong hit wears off.